Truly, nothing in particular. There’s ants right now swarming near me. Apparently they like my retainer. I still can’t believe I have to wear this thing for the rest of my life. I was never taught how I should clean this thing too. Will probably get a new toothbrush to clean it then try to soak it in something. But I really don’t want to do that right now. I just feel tired. Maybe I’m always tired.
Recently I decided that I wanted to try to apply to a university in Japan. That means I got to take the ACT. A couple days ago I took a practice test. The average for the university I want to go to is 28.9. That’s decently high. I got a 23. But that’s without a lot of practice and understanding the timing of the test. By far my worst category was math. I knew it’d be my weakest. I just hardly knew any of it. I know the average for people who take the test in California is 25. I haven’t really done math in a couple years, so it’s really no surprise honestly. I thought while I was at it too I’d try taking the JLPT. Luckily a testing center is very close to where I am, so it is pretty simple to do for me. I plan to take the N2. Honestly, I’m pretty confident. I did some listening comprehension practice today, and it really wasn’t as difficult as I thought it’d be. If I can pass the N2 and have already completed an associate’s degree, plus my grades in high school weren’t bad, I think that’d make up for a couple of points on the ACT. Hopefully. Or else, I can try somewhere else. Doesn’t have to be there, but would be nice if it was there.
I want to read more visual novels. But constraints of time and language kill me. I also want to read more books, but, again, time. It’s painful. I think in a way being a student is almost worse than a job in someways because often with jobs once you put in your time you’re free, but that isn’t really the case with school. As a student you have to constantly think about it. Then with students there’s often a vague goal. Question of how much time is it worth putting into this. When you’re in a job too you usually get into a rhythm, that just really isn’t the case with being a student. Obviously, students are supposed to constantly learning new things. At a certain point you want to ask when it ends. Then when it ends you start to look back on it and realize you’ve lost something you can never get back. Then you get depressed and start thinking about your inevitable end. Sigh. Cruel world.
But man, am I tired. I think I’ll be glad when these two tests are over. This waiting kind of sucks. This uncertainty. I could also do completely fine on the SAT then get screwed over on the recommendation letter. Maybe it’s in part my fault, but I hate the idea of sucking up to your teachers for that. I want to sleep. Truth be told, I should’ve been studying math right now. But now I want to sleep. It’s weird. Death brings me to complete despair, but I enjoy sleep. Why is that I wonder. But I feel like it’s the idea of death above all that motivates me. I hate this uncertainty so much. All I’m facing lately in uncertainty. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I think I lost the idea of truth a long time ago.
